To paraphrase an old (and bad) joke, pronouns are much more than nouns that have lost their amateur status.
Pronouns are stand-ins for nouns. They are words that help us to avoid repetition in English by referring to a previously-named person or thing. It’s pretty hard, if not impossible, to speak in English (or most other languages) without using a lot of pronouns. Let’s face it. Saffron was just arriving for Saffron’s appointment when we saw Saffron is both clunky and unnatural. Saffron was just arriving for her appointment when we saw her is obviously a more normal-sounding sentence. Of course, natural language is not always as simple or straightforward as we might like it to be. Pronoun use, while necessary for clear language, is receiving a great deal of attention lately.
As a cisgender person, I don’t presume to know what it’s like to be designated by a pronoun that doesn’t describe how I feel about myself. But I certainly respect those for whom “he” or “she” fail to be adequate or accurate.
The accepted current option is “they” in the singular. Many people say they don’t like this option although the reasons I’ve heard are really about the speaker not feeling comfortable with a new use of an old word.
We simply must get over that if we’re going to have any kind of conversation about the usage. If someone wants to be designated by the pronouns “they” and “them,” that is that person’s choice, and I damn well intend to respect it. I hope you will, too.
But why is this usage so uncomfortable for some? Good question with a lot of potential answers. One answer comes from an attitude that there are two well-defined genders and “that’s just the way it is.” This is an unsatisfactory response that begs the question and has nothing to do with grammar, so I’ll move on from there. Everyone isn’t the same.
Another answer is that it just feels weird if we’re using “they” in the singular. Well, until we come up with a long-needed, gap-filling, gender-neutral singular pronoun in English, which many have tried to do, our options are surely limited. Gender identification notwithstanding, no one even likes the “he or she” option in formal writing, much less “him/her,” ” s/he,” or, worst of all the self-conscious alternating of “he” and “she” in a text. As much as humans enjoy making up new words, we seem to be quite reluctant to use new words that others tell us to use.
Many have (legitimately) asked about verb agreement. Should we say “they are” even if we’re talking about one person, or should we attempt to introduce “they is”? I seriously doubt that would catch on. We’re not savages. And, like many, I struggle with the word, “themself.”
Before we go off the rails talking about this “brand new, novel” usage of “they” in the singular, though, let’s stop and think about it. I submit to you that it is NOT brand new or novel at all. We’ve been using it for as long as most of us can remember. We’ve been using it easily, comfortably, and regularly. Perhaps we have not been using it formally, but the formal often follows the informal vernacular. Language evolution can be a very democratic process.
So, how exactly were we using “they” in the singular? Try this one: Someone called earlier, but they didn’t leave a message. Okay, admittedly, this might give a grammarian the shakes, but come on. We say things like this all the time without hesitation. How about when we’re enjoying some minor road rage because Did you see how they cut me off back there? Or I tried to return the feather boa, but they told me it looked like it had been worn.
My point is that we have precedent for using the singular “they,” and if we’re a little squeamish about it as a formal construct, the discomfort likely isn’t linguistic. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, speakers were using the singular “they” as early as the fourteenth century. Apparently, we didn’t get nervous about it until the eighteenth century when grammarians started telling us it wasn’t okay for “they” to refer to a singular. It’s all part of the odd paradox that, while language is constantly changing and evolving, we damned well want it to change and evolve on our terms and not because somebody tells us what to call them (See? You hardly even noticed that right there, did you?)
Pronouns are necessary to natural English. Period. Full stop. End of story. Why not use them to accurately refer to each individual according to their preference? (There it is again! It’s getting easier to accept, isn’t it?) We shouldn’t use the excuse of “correct” grammar as a barricade to social progress.
A final thought before saying goodbye for now. “They” is not alone among pronouns doing double duty and causing headaches. Our next topic for discussion will be “you.” Singular? Plural? Yes.
DOING LANGUAGE 